strange sexual new year

K: For NYE the Learning Channel has a marathon of the show Strange Sex. *** b1: happy nude year.

and for the new year, i'm giving you pounds

Fwd: Celebrate the New Year January 1st @ Sonic with ELEVEN CENT ICE CREAM CONES all day. Plz mention txt when ordering.

okay, so NOW what do you want

K: I admire your dedication to ktxt. and the great titles *** b1: you're saying that only because you sense i could snap it off with prejudice at any moment.

blowing a fuse on NYE

K: what are your plans for NYE?

b1: sonic happy hour now, then bo3b, zed and the person who shall never
be mentioned are going to ethel M's for lighted cactus, the eC for
dinner and grucci fireworks on the strip. and you?

K: watching Short Circuit and Short Circuit 2.

b1: if that doesn't say HNY, i don't know what does.

K: Fischer Stevens, who played the Indian scientist in Short Circuit,
was Minkowski the radio operator of the Katana in LOST. many of the
side characters on LOST were named for scientists, authors, poets, et
al.

b1: thank god i didn't escape 2010 without learning that.

{happy new year to you, dear reader. both the K and i wish that your
2011 will be a very happy one.)

how much is a K?

K: 10000 Yiddish books are now available online for free. *** b1: of course they're for free.

tell it to sister busty

K: I watched a movie called "Nude Nuns with Big Guns". Pretty good. I don't know what you call that genre.
*** b1: i'd call it "the pretty *damn* good" genre.

planes, canadians, hell, et al

K: among my definitions of hell is being stuck in a landed airplane for
12 hours.
http://www2.macleans.ca/2010/12/29/vancouver-passengers-sat-on-new-york-tarmac-for-12-hours/

***

b1: if something like that happened to me, i'd blow the emergency
hatch. during the next 8 hours of questioning, time and time again i'd
say, "i thought it was terrorist activity. i felt hitting the hatch was
my patriotic duty."

use the same inane reasoning that fills the US today against the very
people who espouse it.

there's not a jury in the US that would convict.

***

K: and I would cheer you

ooh. first person account:
http://blogs.reuters.com/from-reuterscom/2010/12/29/tarmac-torture/

***

b1: i'm telling you, blow the hatch, claim "terrorism."

***

K: I wouldn't be thinking that rationally. I would just do it.

The same people sat on the YVR tarmac for 3 hours the day before. Wow.

no drama. fucking Canadians.

***

b1: blow the hatch. claim "terrorism."

***

K: after how long?

***

b1: 3 hours.

***

K: fucking Canadians.

***

b1: i used to be down on Cs too, but i've completely come around on
them.

they're nice people. i mean, truly nice.

they're the way americans were in the 60s before we all went insane.

and the train ride from halifax to vancouver is un-matched in the W
hemisphere.

think about it. they're the *perfect* people for our N border.

***

K: yes, they're a great patsy neighbor

***

b1: precisely.

i said "sticky," not "skinny"

K: I'm paranoid about fat content in food right now.
either vegetable medley with chicken, or chili. veggies today.

b1: dumb.
food never thinks about you.
bo3b's coming in town and we're going to piero's.
i'm having fettucine alfredo, or as my doc pal says, "heart attack on a
plate."

K: enjoy...
that name came from the Center for Science in the Public Interest,
people who are smarter than us and have good intentions but no idea how
to convince folks to listen to them, the right nicknamed them the "food
police".

b1: i nickname them the "sticks up butts people."

K: or "subp" for short.

b1: right.  when you see 1 of them on the street you can greet them with "'subp?"

K: HAHAHAHAHHAHA HAHAHAHA HAHAHAHA
<2 minutes later> HA

future shylock

K: I found my copy of Future Shock. 16th printing -- all in the first 6 months.

b1: impressive.  you could say that "future shock" was in itself, the first example of over-data.

K: The film was narrated by Orson Welles.

b1: spooky.

K: That dude's voice alone would give me shock.
I'm trying to find a copy online.  I need to see it.
there was also a 1994 SF/Horror movie with that name.

b1: SPOOKY.

K: And a 1973 TV series.
what's over-data?

b1: it's a term i just coined to describe too much information.  it's awesome.  you're welcome to be among the first to use it.

K: Bingo.  It's on YouTube.
(the documentary)
tonight's all-night project will be the Future Shock study.
there are some great looking vids in YouTube.  e.g. "1999 A.D. : Shopping from Home!:
or, as we Jews would say, 1999 C.E.

b1: or as those of us who haven't religiously attached ourselves to people who thought they were "advanced thinkers" 5000 years ago would say, "shut the fuck up."  [king feddy says i should use that statement more often (<- true).]

K: HAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

b1: i apologize for that.  i just woke up.  do note that it did play well to the secular audience.

K: and I'll read this: http://www.fastcompany.com/1695307/future-shock-at-40-what-the-tofflers-got-right-and-wrong?partner=rss
This low-priced Bantam Book has been completely reset in a typeface designed for easy reading, and was printed from new plates.  It contains complete text of the original hard-cover edition.  NOT ONE WORD HAS BEEN OMITTED.

b1: what they *should* have done is said, "WE'VE MADE UP LOTS OF GOOD PARTS."

don't intersect me THERE

from special K: Try http://goo.gl/RquFp

don't worry, your mind and taste are next

b1: as my brother predicted. *** solid G: Just heard a countdown of the top 10 top 40 songs of the year. Every single one has auto tune

i blame it on a small birth canal

K: I got the email from my brother that he gave me 6 warnings about. It's a story about the day I was born.
*** b1: thank god it finally came through.

the fatherless sons of celebrity impersonators

b1: i'm sitting next to a rick james, a michael jackson and a brett
michaels look-alike at dupar's in the golden gate.
the other 2 keep referring to the 3rd guy as "michael jew jackson" and
"MJJ."
***
K: Bastards
***
b1: "rick james": 'do you know the michael jackson impersonator?'
"brett michaels": 'i thought he moved to FL.'
"RJ": 'no, i mean the REAL michael jackson impersonator.'

rhymes with "sucks" in hindi

(long pause in a G chat conversation) 

 me:  where the hell did you go?

 special:  I was trapped near the inner circle of thought.

 me:  DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH WHEN I'M ALONE IN A BIG HOUSE WITH ECHO-Y WALLS THAT IS COMPLETELY PAID OFF.

 Sent at 11:06 AM on Monday

 special:  I set up my Google TV.

 me:  oh, nice come back.

how do you like it?

 Sent at 11:08 AM on Monday

 special:  it's interesting, but unfinished.

 me:  i don't even know what it does (or what it's supposed to do)

 special:  it's a computer for your TV. search is tweaked to search TV listings as well as the web. it runs Android apps. it has a bluray player.

 Sent at 11:11 AM on Monday

 me:  it is the ron popeil product of the internet age.

 special:  only less popular.

 me:  that's what they said about the kitchen magician ...

... at first.

no one is laughing now.

not even crack smoker dan aykroyd.

 Sent at 11:13 AM on Monday

 special:  I'm watching a DVD and I can't figure out how to get to the DVD menu. wow, that sucks.

 Sent at 11:15 AM on Monday

 special:  I had to go to the end of the movie and let it play out.

 me:  i saw the amazing kreskin.

he was amazing.

he was kreskin.

he was the amazing kreskin.

 special:  maybe he could figure this out.

 me:  THAT is funny.

 special:  I'm going to use Sony Live Chat.

you get the highlights.

 "Status: You are waiting for the next available analyst"

"You are currently No. 2 in the queue."

 me:  what the hell does THAT mean?

although it has a nice ring to it ...

and would be a GREAT decemberists-like band name.

 special:  In red: "We are experiencing higher than usual service times. Please wait and an analyst will be with your shortly."

"His name will be Gupta. But he will call himself Ronald."

Somehow I fell to #3. I guess Steve Fucking Jobs called in.

 me:  "the amazing kreskin how to win at poker"

didn't sell on ebay.

twice.

 special:  ow.

 me:  Your purchase helps support First Matrix Ministries - a non-profit, faith based organization that provides help to individuals who are addicted to drugs and alcohol. We provide assistance to churches and individuals that are looking for ways to minister to the lost and broken of their community. Many of the items we sell are donated by our generous supporters. Our staff does its best to give and accurate description of the items for sale - however - used items are sold "as is".

 special:  Again, in red: "We are experiencing higher than usual service times. Please wait and an analyst will be with your shortly."

 me:  jesus.

 special:  Again in red (third time): "We are experiencing higher than usual service times. Please wait and an analyst will be with your shortly."

You know what? I have a feeling that my call is very important to them.

 me:  are those analysts indians?

it wil be.

 special:  I have not yet met an analyst. Maybe they're lesbians.

 me:  that's sexy.

 special:  4th repetition.

 me:  i've had 2 different girlfriends that became lesbians after dating me ...

a friend said, "i'm surprised you take this so well ..."

 special:  I've had several different girlfriends.

 me:  i said, "i never wake up in the morning and think about her new girlfriend, 'what does she have that i don't have?'"

no you haven't.

you've had 1 forever and a day.

or is this like your definition of driving solitude?

"alone with momma K."

 special:  HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

5th repetition.

I had girlfriends.

 Sent at 11:30 AM on Monday

 me:  when you type HAHAHAHAHA to 1 of my better jokes, i often laugh myself ...

and then feel like i've hit the lowest part of my being ...

AND LOOK AT THE COMPETITION THAT'S UP AGAINST.

  special:  rep #7

 me:  ask them where they are from.

ask them what their favorite god is.

ask them what caste they are.

ask them what their favorite movie is.

ask them how to fix a tri-shaw.

ask them if they've ever re-filled a water bottle and capped it for a tourist out of the tap.

ask them how many languages they speak.

ask them if they say "happy christmas" or "merry christmas."

 special:  rep #8

you should watch "Outsourced".

I'm #1 in the queue!

 me:  ask them how they feel about the dali lama being in ladakh.

 special:  rep #9

 I am "next" in the queue.

currently next.

 me:  currently great.

what do you need them to do?

 special:  get me to the frickin menu of a DVD.

oops. back to #1 in the queue.

they're toying with me.

rep #10

now I'm currently next again

 me:  congratulations on that.

hopefully you won't squander it like last time.

 special:  oh, I will.

 Sent at 11:41 AM on Monday

 special:  "You are currently wasting your time."

 me:  harsh.

but appropriate.

 special:  Analyst xxxx is here to assist you.

 me:  ask xxxx what his/her native language is.

 special:  "Martian"

 me:  say ....

"i want you to spell the word 'color.'"

 special:  "Please wait while the problem is escalated to another analyst"

 me:  YOU'RE KIDDING ME.

 special:  I wish.

 me:  hey A xxxx, have you ever actually USED one of these things?

 special:  Not until last night.

Hi Special K. Welcome to Sony Online Support. I'm xxxx. Please allow me a moment to review your concern.

 me:  all this is going up on ktxt.  i don't care what you say.

 special:  stupid Java chat won't allow me to copy & paste. I'm retyping just for you.

all what? define all.

 me:  all = GTV or whatever this thing is called.

 special:  Thank you for waiting, Special K. I'll be glad to assist you with the information about accessing the Disk Menu in the Internet Blu-Ray.

 me:  hey, thanks.

you're such a great pal.

 special:  me: great! how do I do it?

 me:  where can i get a bottle of "thums up?"

 special:  bob's my uncle.

no reply from xxxx yet.

it's tense.

 Sent at 11:48 AM on Monday

 special:  "I'm sorry for the delay"

 me:  you fricken well should be.

this reminds me of a word i learned from a cypriot ...

"in greek, we'd say xxxx is a malakas.  i don't know if you have this word in english ... but roughly translated it would mean 'a real masturbating kind of guy.'"

 special:  wanker

 me:  right, right.

don't step on my punchline.

 special:  "Please give me a moment while I get this information for you."

yikes. sorry.

 me:  remember, i lived in europe.  you think of "foreign" as englewood.

 special:  not any more.

 me:  okay, fresno.

phone here.

 Sent at 11:53 AM on Monday

 special:  "Thank you for waiting, Special K."

 Sent at 11:55 AM on Monday

 special:  he sent me to the wrong page

I gave him the bad news

 Sent at 11:59 AM on Monday

 special:  he's just asked me to press buttons that aren't there.

"Analyst xxxx has left the room"

 Sent at 12:02 PM on Monday

 me:  god.

horrible.

 special:  "Analyst xxxx has reentered the room"

"Analyst xxxx has left the room"

 me:  i've got a story for you ...

brand new, i don't even know how to tell it yet ...

so i'll try this.

phone rings ...

my other brother joe picks it up.

"hello."

 special:  "Analyst xxxx has reentered the room"

 me:  "hello, is this joe?"

"yes."

"hi joe, this is annie haslam."  (lead singer of renaissance.)

they start talking.

joe's asked her to do a painting.

but the one he wanted is sold.

minutes before he bought it online.

 Sent at 12:07 PM on Monday

 "that's okay, can you do one of roy wood?" (original member and foudner of ELO, founder of the british psych-pop band the move, founder of cult band wizzard ... also annie haslam's ex-husband.)

she laughs.  "maybe, but i do abstracts."

they talk.

she says, "i just got an email from roy last night.  i need to tell him about this conversation with you."

lots more.

those are the high points.

 special:  whoa. I know who Roy Wood is! The Move, also.

xxxx is giving me actual instructions now.

 me:  good boy/girl/punjabi.

 Sent at 12:10 PM on Monday

 special:  he's crapping out again.

 me:  ask him where he's from.

this is a truly horrible user experience.

JUST SO YOU'RE AWARE OF THAT FACT.

 special:  I am.

 Sent at 12:12 PM on Monday

 special:  Ooh. He might be on to something here.

 me:  maybe he's just on something.

 special:  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

"Now, the Disk menu is set in the Internet Blu-ray. This setting may not work correctly depending on the disc."

 Sent at 12:14 PM on Monday

 me:  like that's YOUR fault.

i hope the people involved in that project didn't get bonuses for releasing it, "on time."

 special:  I'm sure they did.

 me:  The Film Noir Foundation can now be found on both Facebook and Myspace. If you haven't signed up, maybe you should. Maybe you'll meet someone who will betray you and leave you for dead on the internet. At the least, you'll have access to a vast repository of noir posters and photos.

 Sent at 12:18 PM on Monday

 special:  "Are you able to take it from here?"

 me:  s/he sounds like they mean, "are you able to take it up the ass from here?"

 special:  why stop now?

 Sent at 12:21 PM on Monday

 me:  because there are 4 and 20 other Ks in the queue, doofus.

or have you already forgotten your past?

modern society forces us into A.D.D. ...

if you're waiting for half an hour for something, you HAVE to do something else.

 Sent at 12:23 PM on Monday

 me:  and?

 Sent at 12:40 PM on Monday

 me:  and and?

 Sent at 12:43 PM on Monday

 special:  I'm more confused than ever.

which is saying a lot

 me:  certainly is moving the mountain away from mohammed.

 special:  I didn't find out what I wanted and I wasted an hour.

 me:  but aside from that, it was a GREAT experience.

 special:  right

did you see the Scott Pilgrim movie?

 me:  is that the disney 1?

 special:  Universal

 me:  no, never heard of it.

 should i put your GTV experience on ktxt?

 Sent at 12:55 PM on Monday

 special:  let me tell you more first

part of the problem was DVD illiteracy by me

apparently some DVDs don't let you go to the menu while playing

that's all. but even with that, horrible crappy experience.

 Sent at 12:57 PM on Monday

 special:  re:Scott Pilgrim. it's an old-school video game movie. so this is what they did for the Universal Theme. Go to http://goo.gl/hxSXO and click the play button on track 1.

 Sent at 1:01 PM on Monday

 me:  i've died and gone to heaven.

 special:  you like it!

 me:  is this what you were trying to watch?

 special:  no. I don't remember what made me think of it. I love that opening. There's a visual part too, but Universal has pulled it down everywhere I looked.

do you bittorrent?

 Sent at 1:06 PM on Monday

 special:  (I saw the movie in theater)

 me:  did you see the original TRON in a theater?

 special:  I have never seen the original TRON.

 me:  your true geekness is in question then.

it's the dividing line.

you still haven't answered my question ...

can i put your GTV experience on ktxt.

if not, i'll just put it on the archipelago.

no 1 (important) will read it there.

i don't want someone to put an armor piercing bullet in a gun and shoot you at point blank range.

i'm not going to be responsible for the fiscal death of a friend ...

 special:  then go ahead. thanks for asking. 

 you know the best part of ktxt? the titles.

 how can I leverage my quirky ability to entertain you and small groups into a living wage?

me:  well i'm sure as hell not paying for it.

open wide and say "errrrggggghh"

b1: greetings from idaho springs beau jo's, where it is JAMMED.

***

K: I once puked there.

***

b1: i don't know why you hate CO, but i now have an idea why CO hates
you.

thanks for that before lunch, by the way.

b1: you'll like this. be sure to look at several comments. http://mobile.nytimes.com/2010/12/26/opinion/26rich.xml

depends on how you draw it

b1: life is a zero sum game. the trick is not to push it.

serling sliver

K: Surrogates is a sleeper of a good movie. Very stylish.

Future. Everybody stays home in a chair and operates robots of
themselves.

Social consequences abound.

***

b1: sounds too real.

***

K: That's the best SF.

***

b1: that's not what you said about Battle for the Planet of the Apes.

***

K: Yeah! And Escape. And the quote from Serling.

***

b1: go back to your fricken movie.

hard viewing

K: We are blowing through a lot of tv. *** b1: don't tell me about your sexual peculiarities. *** K: Ok, Kip Adotta.

underlying intent

b1: have you ever considered going full-on display jewish for xmas?
blue and white lights? star of david on every tree? jesus with glowing
yamarkula in the yard? etc.

K: No. Because I'm lazy, I love doing nothing for Xmas.

b1: that's you trying out christianity.

porcelain hole-y night

mom had morning sickness w/ me - she ran into andy williams in the desert inn hall going to the bathroom. they said hello. dad predicted he'd never make it.

maybe fo-ty-nine cent?

(b1) Q: what do they call a woman who sells her body for snack food cakes at christmas time?

A: a ho hos ho'.

black and read

K: Up on the rooftop, click click click. Goddamn, get off my roof! We're
Jews here!

b1: lemme tell you what ... if there's noise on the roof, it damn well
better be red and white and deer; not red and black and dogs ... because
if that's what it is, i'm pulling that star of david off the wall, using
it as a weapon, and goin' full-on ninjew.

K: HAHAHAHAHAHA. XMAS LAUGH.

b1: that would be HOHOHOHOHOHO, jaimie.

feliz soda

b1: "yule log" has coke commercials. the only way that'd put me in the christmas spirit would be if santa was wearing a sombrero and pontificating sugar coke.

blame it on the OJ

K: Capricorn One is one of the dumbest movies I have ever seen.
Amazing cast, though.
*** b1: it is proof that we actually *did* land on the moon.

gotta love TV

b1: i'm watching "yule log." it's a fireplace with xmas songs playing in the background. nothing more, nothing less. better than you'd think.

a bill

b1: how much do you pay for TV every month? *** K: over $100, I think.

clouds building

K: Is Stormy Rottman tracking Santa on 9 News {in CO}?

***

b1: stormy's been dead for a l-o-n-g time.

***

K: That doesn't answer my question.

Stormy could still do it.

***

solid G: There was a guy called sunny, too.

***

K: Sunny Roseman.

Sunny was a copycat. He sucks.

Metropolitan State College of Denver awards a Stormy Rottman Endowed
Memorial Scholarship annually to a student majoring in meteorology.

Among Denver's Jews, it was common knowledge that he had changed his
name from Rothman. Of course, this (a) wasn't true and (b) made no
sense.

***

b1: i like the fact that you can speak on behalf of all denver jews.

***

K: I like it too.

***

b1: does this, combined with the fact that you hate CO somehow make you
antisemitic?

***

K: No. There's a form of self-loathing in there, but not related to
Judaism.

rated X

K: Capricorn One is on. I can't remember if I liked it.
*** b1: xians like to think of it as the OJ simpson xmas movie.

X creed

K: Merry Christmas, my good friend. *** b1: thanks so much, special K. the fact you can send me those wishes shows how far we *both* have come. merry xmas.

time to hand me my lance

{following completely out of the blue, with no context.} K: A knight without armor in a savage land.

just not in the face, please

mom: "i don't know what's wrong with andrea bocelli's eyes."
b1: "he's blind. he can't see."
mom <exasperated and slapping her knee>: "OH, I KNOW THAT!"

{king feddy <aside>: Next she'll be slapping you.}

no ... it's a number

K: Nine.
b1: 9 what? what the hell are you talking about?
K: Nine means German in no.
b1: it's "nein," you chumpster. how can you possibly be illiterate in
two languages SIMULTANEOUSLY?
K: Tein.
b1: you're a freak-box.
K: Whee!
b1: you know, there's a part of you that's a poser.  and just like all of your physical being, it's not a small part.
K: I think that's an Adrian Belew lyric.
b1: why do i like you?  why?
K: It's the hair.

3K/year

b1: my mom's car has 26K miles on it.  it's 8 years old.

K: Only driven on Sundays.

b1: "and then only if feel like going to church."

kiss my glass

b1: the good news? young MC is playing at the lollipop in denver on
NYE. the bad news? he's on the bill with tiffany.

K: Tiffany is my trainer.

b1: i think we're alone now.

that is NOT how you say "birthday"

K: If you see my mother-in-law today, wish her happy birthday. *** b1: i will. i may use the wrong words, however.

Dude, like my copying of other people's humor is, like, so original

b1: gotta love CO. i'm getting 2 cars' oil changed in serial ... i don't even have to pay for the 1st 1 as i retrieve the 2nd.

K: I do love co.  Not.

b1: Thanks for that, Wayne.

K: What words would you use?

b1: I LOVE CO.

the crunch of the king

b1 <sent to both special K and king feddy>: the car is the american form of independence. without it, you're the victim of both relatives and social assistance ... the US equivalent of deep poverty.

king feddy: Very true (if no subway).

special K: Moreso in the west.  In the NE public transpo is more socially acceptable.

b1: feddy said the same thing.

K: He is very wise.

b1: that's why *he* is not "the cereal guy."

how about looking for it on the police blotter?

K: "Search Special K in the Android Market" is my new favorite phrase.

not pure ... um ...

b1: we have hamantaschen for dessert at dinner.
K: L'chaim! Home made?
b1: no. they were a gift, but originally from whole foods.
K: Still fresh? What flavor?
I'm just surprised to find them so far from purim.
b1: me too ... and yes, they're fresh ... may be some kind of hannahka blur.

if only the cannon were pointed 3 years lower

my mom in person: "oh, just shut up!" *** my brother by TXT: "Well that's been about 50 years coming." *** my mom's now laughing so hard she's crying.

not for the general pubic

special K: [...] there's always a good side: a cute chick shaved my pubes.

no flat bun, son

K: Sharks win only 2-1. No free pizza. *** b1: in my book, that's a draw.

not like it's complicated for YOU

special K: Every day takes figuring out all over again how to fucking live.

without fireworks, it's nothing

K: Intermission: synchronized skating *** b1: weak. where's mini kiss? the last time i saw the wranglers they had blue man group at the breaks.

the color of a model T

b1: the las vegas wranglers are asking all their fans to wear black for
the midght game.

K: Will they comply?

b1: i don't know, but i will. i'll wear black everything, including
sox, my (all-black) converse and underwear.

just kiss it, it's small

K: When is your midnight hockey game?

***

b1: the las wranglers are playing 23:59 on monday the 27th. you should
go.

***

K: I'd love to go. I'm way busy.

Our neighbor at the Sharks game I'm at just asked me when I'm doing
another 24-hour thing with my "buddies".

***

b1: i love that.

***

K: I'll be incommunicado shortly (too many people at the arena).

***

b1: why?

***

K: Too many people sharing the signal. Service suffers.

2 anthems

***

b1: dumb. we live in 1 country.

mini kiss are playing the period breaks at the wranglers.

***

K: I live on another planet. Kids who dress like Kiss?

***

b1: midgets.

***

K: Add a Teddy bear toss and strippers and it's the event of the
century.

***

b1: i love you, man.

two turntables and a hockey stick

K: Sharks take the ice to "Living in a Dream" by Finger Eleven. *** b1: it should be beck, "loser." *** K: No.

the love of decomposing

K: I'm at sj arena. They're playing My Favorite Things by TSO. I'd rather be fucking Mozart. And he's been dead for 200 years.

homo say what?

this is a conversation with my brother, b1-67er. consider it to be a
holiday bonus for you, my dear reader.

b1-66er: I SWEAR THIS IS TRUE: mom is speaking french to the
dishwasher.

b1-67er: Does it answer her?

66: mom (disturbingly speaking of herself in the third person), "no,
it's not doing anything for her."

67: Maybe it doesn't understand French.

... now cough

K: Ok. Off to annual dr checkup. Good luck to me there.

<30 minute delay>

Dr. says everything looks good.

Cholesterol: 157
Triglyceride: 114

***

b1: go special. go K. go go, special K.

did you tell him/her, "this surprises me none. in fact, my friends
consider me to be the pinnacle of health, so much so that they call me
'special K?'"

***

K: I said exactly that.

There's something weird about the pharmacy model. A store selling makeup
next to lifesaving drugs. This will change.

***

b1: how about the place i worked? booze and porno next to the pills.

***

K: Wrong, wrong.

***

b1: you could place a sports bet there too. did i ever tell you about
the time there was a break-in?

***

K: I think you did. Of course I remember little.

***

b1: there's been a robbery. they run sports books there. the cops show
up. i hold 'em off. my boss gets there. takes a l-o-n-g slow look
around. shakes his head and turns to the cops ... "no, it's all here.
there's no need to file a report."

only if they don't pay

b1: jobs are such an incredible insult to human dignity.

they will, however, GLADLY whack your pack

b1: CO sonic's do *not* have wacky pack wednesdays. *** K: My native state disappoints again.

02:00 IM conversation

b1: special K
K: here
b1: woke up wide awake from a dead sleep.
what's the news?
K: is that typical?
b1: no.
K: let's see
everything OK?
b1: i *think* the roads outside are icy and cars are spinning out on
start-up at the light nearby ...
and i *might* have picked that up.
K: oh wow
1960 WS Game 7 is probably the greatest baseball game ever played
and this broadcast, with the players 50 years later, is incredible
b1: is it over?
K: just finished watching minutes ago
b1:tell me more.
(humidity is 96%)
K: Pirates vs Yanks
P got off to 4-0 lead
Yanks pulled ahead 5-4 in 6th
then 7-4
after 8, Pirates led 9-7
b1: and bing has this because he went on vacation to europe and had it
filmed for him.
K: right. too superstitious to watch.
Pirates inning stayed alive when a sure double play hit SS in the
throat
b1: jesus.
K: in top 9th, Mantle makes a stupid play that works out. 9-9.
bot 9. leadoff hitter Mazeroski homers. series.
aggregate score: Yanks 55 Pirates 27
yet Pirates win 4 games to 3
first and only walkoff game 7 win in baseball history
first and only postseason game with 0 strikeouts
b1: i don't know what "walkoff" means
K: walkoff is a play that ends a game (bot 9th or
later)
because after you do it, everybody walks off the field
b1: good one.
K: coined by Dennis Eckersley.
great A's relief pitcher
b1: i think i know him.
K: good dude
b1: mustache guy, right?
K: yes.
K: so we have
walkoff homer
walkoff double
walkoff walk
et al
b1:and only 1 team can make a walkoff play.
K: home team only
there's a great new term in football, btw
b1: do tell.
(you're all fired up.)
K: "interception returned for a touchdown" = "pick six"
pick from pickoff
which has meant interception for a long time
I like it. Useful.
--------------------------------- 2:01
---------------------------------
b1: a riff on the lottery.
K: I'm sorry your sleep has been disrupted.
omg. I didn't even think of that.
obviously.
b1: that's why you talk to me ...
i help tie you to actual reality.
K: right!
'preciate
b1: you can take this basketball ...
and shoot it through a hoop ...
it's actual reality.
K: I remember that.
b1: it's 1 of *the* very first true conversations we ever had.
we didn't really "know" each other until we sat across the hall at
magic.
I'VE NEVER SEEN THE COMMERCIAL.
you *told* me about it in excited terms...
and it was kind of a bonding moment for us.
K: : when was that?
b1: 1993 or 4.
K: I'm glad you remember that for both of us. My memory...well, you
know.
b1: why do you think you don't remember?
why do you think i do?
K: I dunno. my memories fade fast. I've already forgotten many details
of the WS.
(Now I'm watching The Hotel New Hampshire. John Irving is a sick fuck.)
b1: i'm not familiar with it.
have you ever seen 50 dates?
or whatever it's called ...
the drew barrymore film.
K: I don't think so
John Irving stories are filled with beatings, maimings, blood, and
tragic deaths.
b1: a woman has brain damage ...
no short term memory.
so her BF has to figure out how to remind her who she is ...
it's actually very good.
well written.
you should watch it.
K: I have a list.
b1: adam sandler is in it.
K: it's now on the list.
50 First Dates, right?
b1: that's it.
K: want to know my list? It's short. I just started it recently.
b1: i've got the giant lava lamp from the party fired up.
yes.
K: Bug
Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer
Paranormal Activity 2
The Descent
Zodiac
Fanboys
Catfish
Frankenstein Unbound
50 First Dates
b1: i've only seen 2 of those.
and never heard of "bug."
my countertops are zodiaq (r).
K: it's about a guy who thinks he has bugs under his skin
b1:that's pleasant.
K:for sure
b1: how the hell did you hear about that? skippy?
--------------------------------- 2:11
---------------------------------
that's a skippy film.
K: a TV special. "most disturbing movie scenes".
the first 5 are all from that
b1: 24 hours of most disturbing movies.
K: THAT IDEA IS DISTURBING
b1: no, you using caps lock is disturbing.
K: John Irving movies are disturbing
K: very young Rob Lowe is getting a BJ right now. his sister Jodi Foster
is listening.
b1: sexy.
what's your favorite ice cream?
K: prob. rocky road
b1: doesn't jodi get off on it?
K: Beau Bridges is their dad
she just thinks it's funny
b1: that'd be my choice, if i were god.
K: the woman is a waitress at the hotel. at the end, Rob pays her.
b1: that's because she's a lesbo IRL.
K: is it?
b1: yes.
big time.
K: Jodi Foster usually makes good movies
b1: she's great.
K: yeah
b1: scorsese was totally on the mark with her.
K: what did he say?
b1: she's the hooker in taxi driver.
at the true age of 14.
she's SO good in that role.
K: ah yeah
something horribly tragic about to happen in this movie
b1: what?
jodi will kiss rob?
and pay him?
K: not sure.but its guaranteed.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
did you see World According to Garp?
b1: yes.
didn't like it.
K: John Irving.
b1: it was the film that turned me on robin williams.
K: Rob & Jodi have just been captured by the evil football players.
b1: goddamn football players.
K: yeah
b1: i should write a film that's space aliens, football players and
nurses ...
1 of those japanese style 1s ...
where both the space aliens AND the football players are evil.
K: 24 hours long
b1: no. 1 hour long. it just seems like 24.
K: Jodi's getting raped
gang raped
b1: sexy.
K: John Fucking Irving
b1: she'll make a lot in tips.
no wonder she's a lesbo.
K: now the black guys are coming to avenge her
b1: they're all nurses.
K: right! how did you know?
b1: i'm like that.
K: ok
--------------------------------- 2:22
---------------------------------
they have a dog named Sorrow
Fucking John Fucking Irving
b1: of course they do.
K: the dog farts all the time
b1: the cider house rules!
what's JI's problem?
K: beats me
he suffers from suckfuckia
b1: he's too happy and rich so he has to keep everyone else down?
don't make me laugh in bed ... i'll wake someone.
K: stifle yourself
and now Sorrow died
goddamn fucking John Fucking Irving
b1: your conversational tone has gotten way way profane over the last
few weeks, by the way.
K: really? I haven't noticed a change.
b1: not that i think it makes you "worse."
K: understood.
timeout while I get some water. 3 min.
b1: okay.
F bomb 6 x in the last few sentences.
K: it's Irving's fault
b1: you were that way before irving, you're just using it as an excuse.
you're playing the irving card.
K: damn Irving
Grandpa (Wilford Brimley) just dreamed that Sorrow attacked him.
and dead, stuffed Sorrow fell out of the closet. Grandpa had a heart
attack and died
sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick
b1: i kinda like that, actually.
although killing wilford brimley is tough.
K: I kinda do too
b1: when does the plane crash into the house?
K: the little kid, Egg, threw Sorrow into the grave with WIlford
b1 : good choice.
K: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Rob's fucking the waitress again
b1: sexy
that's a good egg.
K: OHOHOHOHOHOHAHAHAHAHHAA
b1: this'll cost him, though.
--------------------------------- 2:32
---------------------------------
K: the payment is offscreen
b1: that's not sexy.
K: Rob meets Jodi's friend Bitsy, but calls her Titsy
b1: that is.
will he get some of that?
K: survey says: yes
the waitress is jealous
b1: then she needs to give the tips back.
ALL of them.
K: new black chick. she wants Rob.
aaaaand she removes her FULL DENTURES
b1: sexy.
but only the hamster will have him.
K: coming up in reel 3
toothless sends Rob off to Titsy
b1: this is when you say: "put pants over your head and stand on your
hands."
try it with momma K.
you'll get places "you've never been."
K: Hmm.
Titsy's getting ready in the bathroom, but she sees Sorrow floating in
the tub. No sex for Rob.
Egg: "Sorrow was on fire, so I put him in the tub."
b1: sweet sorrow.
K: yah!
so how sick is this movie?
b1: 9.
K: waitress has a new boyfriend
everybody else is getting drunk
b1: big tipper?
K: we'll never know
b1: it moves right along.
K: that it does
new chick (Gayle Garfinkle) molests Rob. he rejects.
oh holy shit
Egg is Seth Green!
b1: perfect.
how'd you figure that out?
K: imdb
--------------------------------- 2:43
---------------------------------
K: Frank (the gay son) likes to put Sorrow in people's rooms while they
sleep
and now the family ismoving to Vienna
b1: you know what that makes this movie ...
seth green eggs with ham.
K: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
(that's it. 4 full HA lines. most ever.)
b1: thanks for that.
K: totally deserved.
b1: although i'm sitting here chuckling in bed in the dead of night ...
so everyone else thinks i'm masturbating.

now showing in the alfred packer grill

K: movie: "The Donner Party", 2009
*** b1: NICE.

booze 'n' bases

K: I'm about to watch game 7 of the 1960 WS. Only known copy recently discovered in Bing Crosby's wine cellar.

how about 499?

K: 500 doesn't sound like many, but it's a lot

b1: if someone hit you in the face 500x, it would seem like a lot.

because you're too chicken liver

b1: captain beefheart died. *** K: I barely knew him.

the taste of metal

b1: we need to talk about shirley bassey and vegas sometime.

K: Agreed.

b1: i would've given my left nut to hear her say, "he's such a cold
finger" live.

K: Ba-DAAAAH-dah!

b1: perfect.

K: I'm a fucking awesome communicator.

b1: so much so that you can even do trumpet sounds by TXT. that's
pretty big.

K: QED.

b1: don't speak hebrew to me.

K: לכם!

what's sticky and sweet?

{i often route messages between solid goldstein and special K. they're
shirt-tail cousins ... and in 1 of the million weirdnesses in my life, i
introduced them.}

b1: this from your cousin. and it's not a joke, he's serious.
*** Danielle Steel's Chocolates. No, it's not her latest book. It's what
I snacked on last night. ***

K: Bizarre.

oh, to re-live greatness cheaply

K: I got my 2010 World Series DVD set today. 8 DVDs.

b1: great. how much? and at the risk of asking the obvious, what's on
it?

K: WS games, 2 NLCS games, 1 bonus disc (postgame, parade, season
highlights, etc). $35.

b1: that's a good deal.

K: It is. $80 list. Not Blu-ray, though.

They did a nice job. Discs are orange. Disc cases are covered in text:
box score, game notes, trivia, etc.

Includes SF radio on alternate audio channel, which is HUGE.

b1: they synch the radio broadcasts with the game?

K: Yes they do.

b1: THAT is cool. how much total listening/viewing time is there?

K: The box says 19 hours, but that's gotta be way low. The games alone
are more than that.

b1: stupid box.

K: I LOVE THE BOX.

b1: and EVERY TIME you watch, the giants win. EVERY TIME.

K: So true. Forever. The WS trophy is about to go on tour.

b1: i think you should figure out how to preserve it...digital isn't
dependable enough...like the constitution...put it in a concrete column
in case of attack.

K: If they put a Giants logo on it, my wife will buy it.

b1: don't blame your obsession on momma K.

K: We share the Giants. But since they won she's gone majorly retail.

wacky pack toys

3 of 'em combined here ...

* lunar rover (in front)
* space catapult (i don't know why when you think "space," you should
think "catapult")
* "space tots" (specifically "astro tot" and "space ape tot")

the catapult "shoots" about 2" beyond the base of the device. this is
*exactly* the kind of toy that my brother would have used once when he
was 5, then spent the following 8 hours making it shoot objects hard
(and far) enough that they could easily go through a window.

talk about you get what you pay for

b1: greetings from sonic where it's wacky pack wednesday. chicken strips, apple slices, powerade slush and a lunar lander for $1.50.

sure, but don't go in the black room

b1; the song used during the streaming toilet paper of blue man group is "last train to trance central." THIS is what the KLF is about!

where's your yellow sombrero?

b1: greetings from the "poncho" section of blue man group.

nice breakfast, pilgrim

b1: dinner - turkey, homemade cranberry sauce, stuffing, vegs & mashed potatoes - $4.05. breakfast - HUGE pancake, 3 strips of bacon, scrambled eggs - $4.

special K ...

... the harlem globetrotter

fat referee on a purse special K is holding: "you take that back now."

special K: "you didn't say that at the buffet last night."

birds of a feather, eh special K?

flip a cohen

K: Goodnight! Hallelujah!

you've just never paid enough

K: A giant purple vagina made of lightning just opened up in the sky, and Genghis Khan rode out on a horse.
I don't think I've seen that before.

the sequel's gonna be awhile

K: Movie coming on: "In the year 2889". "Nuclear war survivors hide from telepathic cannibal mutants.". WOW. Or! "Roger Corman's Frankenstein Unbound"

like a porcupine

b1: this week i've seen both "the lion king" (2 x $100 tix) and leonard
cohen (4 x probably $75 tix) as part of my ticket subscriptions service,
for free.

K: Leonard Cohen IS the Lion King

b1: THAT'S NOT THE POINT YOU FRICKEN DIM BULB.

K: Don't be cranky when you have seen Leonard Cohen.

b1: don't be the stupidest class clown.

K: Don't be a mean prick.

b1: okay, then what kind of prick am i *supposed* to be?

K: Be a prickelnd.

scrambled versions of "like"

b1: i'm having the $7 steak and eggs midnight special at the flamingo. *** K: I love LV.

M.C.

b1: don meredith died.

K: I enjoyed him in the 70s.

b1: all of america did. a great foil for cosell.

K: I enjoyed Cosell too.

b1: cosell was my favorite of all time. he was so good, he made *ali* better.

it's full of stardust

b1: here's the hanukkah menu at the eC.  $19 from 16:00 - 22:00.

K: Superb. Get the kugel. What's eC?

b1: the el cortez.  greatest casino in vegas.

K: As you know, I love Las Vegas. I wonder if I've ever told you all my Las Vegas stories.

1. When I cut my head open outside the Stardust.

2. When my grandfather was a VIP at the Sahara and I thought he was a gangster (I know I've told you that).

3. When I got stuck in a casino at age 7.

4. My mom wanted to move there.

5. My grandparents made over 100 trips there.

6. Momma K says she hates it but she kind of likes it now.

7. When I was harassed by fake hookers in a fake brothel.

8. Phil Goldman's bachelor party.

9. The roller coaster in Primm.

10. The swinger's convention.

11. When I saw Shirley Bassey and Buddy Hackett at the Sahara showroom.

12. The time I went to bed early but then got up because I only had 1 night in Vegas.

13. Our plans to spend New Year's Eve 2000 in Vegas and Y2K fears.

14. When the Vegas heat killed my Prius battery.

15. Fake blueberry cheesecake at Caesar's.

if you say "no," very, very slowly, it sounds different

b1: the las vegas wranglers are playing @ 23:59 on 12/27. the only team in the minors who do that.

K: In the U. S.

b1: in the fricken US. what country are you living in these days? and why the hell are you up so late?

K: I was working. And I stay up late on weekends.

b1: you sound like a robot.

K: No I do not. No I do not.
It's the 8th annual. It's for people who work nights.

b1: you've told me nothing i don't know AND you haven't answered your own fricken question.

K: No I do not. No I do not. No I do not. No I do not.

things'll quiet for a bit ...

... for special K reasons that i'm not at liberty to indulge ... don't worry, everything is "fine," for a relatively large definition of the word.

quote of the moment

"i told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow...it was like an
activation code to her vagina."

-- quote from textsfromlastnight.com (a site i stumbled across and you
should *definitely* burn an hour of your life on)