i blame it on a small birth canal

K: I got the email from my brother that he gave me 6 warnings about. It's a story about the day I was born.
*** b1: thank god it finally came through.

the fatherless sons of celebrity impersonators

b1: i'm sitting next to a rick james, a michael jackson and a brett
michaels look-alike at dupar's in the golden gate.
the other 2 keep referring to the 3rd guy as "michael jew jackson" and
K: Bastards
b1: "rick james": 'do you know the michael jackson impersonator?'
"brett michaels": 'i thought he moved to FL.'
"RJ": 'no, i mean the REAL michael jackson impersonator.'

rhymes with "sucks" in hindi

(long pause in a G chat conversation) 

 me:  where the hell did you go?
 special:  I was trapped near the inner circle of thought.
 Sent at 11:06 AM on Monday
 special:  I set up my Google TV.
 me:  oh, nice come back.
how do you like it?
 Sent at 11:08 AM on Monday
 special:  it's interesting, but unfinished.
 me:  i don't even know what it does (or what it's supposed to do)
 special:  it's a computer for your TV. search is tweaked to search TV listings as well as the web. it runs Android apps. it has a bluray player.
 Sent at 11:11 AM on Monday
 me:  it is the ron popeil product of the internet age.
 special:  only less popular.
 me:  that's what they said about the kitchen magician ...
... at first.
no one is laughing now.
not even crack smoker dan aykroyd.
 Sent at 11:13 AM on Monday
 special:  I'm watching a DVD and I can't figure out how to get to the DVD menu. wow, that sucks.
 Sent at 11:15 AM on Monday
 special:  I had to go to the end of the movie and let it play out.
 me:  i saw the amazing kreskin.
he was amazing.
he was kreskin.
he was the amazing kreskin.
 special:  maybe he could figure this out.
 me:  THAT is funny.
 special:  I'm going to use Sony Live Chat.
you get the highlights.
 "Status: You are waiting for the next available analyst"
"You are currently No. 2 in the queue."
 me:  what the hell does THAT mean?
although it has a nice ring to it ...
and would be a GREAT decemberists-like band name.
 special:  In red: "We are experiencing higher than usual service times. Please wait and an analyst will be with your shortly."
"His name will be Gupta. But he will call himself Ronald."
Somehow I fell to #3. I guess Steve Fucking Jobs called in.
 me:  "the amazing kreskin how to win at poker"
didn't sell on ebay.
 special:  ow.
 me:  Your purchase helps support First Matrix Ministries - a non-profit, faith based organization that provides help to individuals who are addicted to drugs and alcohol. We provide assistance to churches and individuals that are looking for ways to minister to the lost and broken of their community. Many of the items we sell are donated by our generous supporters. Our staff does its best to give and accurate description of the items for sale - however - used items are sold "as is".
 special:  Again, in red: "We are experiencing higher than usual service times. Please wait and an analyst will be with your shortly."
 me:  jesus.
 special:  Again in red (third time): "We are experiencing higher than usual service times. Please wait and an analyst will be with your shortly."
You know what? I have a feeling that my call is very important to them.
 me:  are those analysts indians?
it wil be.
 special:  I have not yet met an analyst. Maybe they're lesbians.
 me:  that's sexy.
 special:  4th repetition.
 me:  i've had 2 different girlfriends that became lesbians after dating me ...
a friend said, "i'm surprised you take this so well ..."
 special:  I've had several different girlfriends.
 me:  i said, "i never wake up in the morning and think about her new girlfriend, 'what does she have that i don't have?'"
no you haven't.
you've had 1 forever and a day.
or is this like your definition of driving solitude?
"alone with momma K."
5th repetition.
I had girlfriends.
 Sent at 11:30 AM on Monday
 me:  when you type HAHAHAHAHA to 1 of my better jokes, i often laugh myself ...
and then feel like i've hit the lowest part of my being ...
  special:  rep #7
 me:  ask them where they are from.
ask them what their favorite god is.
ask them what caste they are.
ask them what their favorite movie is.
ask them how to fix a tri-shaw.
ask them if they've ever re-filled a water bottle and capped it for a tourist out of the tap.
ask them how many languages they speak.
ask them if they say "happy christmas" or "merry christmas."
 special:  rep #8
you should watch "Outsourced".
I'm #1 in the queue!
 me:  ask them how they feel about the dali lama being in ladakh.
 special:  rep #9
 I am "next" in the queue.
currently next.
 me:  currently great.
what do you need them to do?
 special:  get me to the frickin menu of a DVD.
oops. back to #1 in the queue.
they're toying with me.
rep #10
now I'm currently next again
 me:  congratulations on that.
hopefully you won't squander it like last time.
 special:  oh, I will.
 Sent at 11:41 AM on Monday
 special:  "You are currently wasting your time."
 me:  harsh.
but appropriate.
 special:  Analyst xxxx is here to assist you.
 me:  ask xxxx what his/her native language is.
 special:  "Martian"
 me:  say ....
"i want you to spell the word 'color.'"
 special:  "Please wait while the problem is escalated to another analyst"
 special:  I wish.
 me:  hey A xxxx, have you ever actually USED one of these things?
 special:  Not until last night.
Hi Special K. Welcome to Sony Online Support. I'm xxxx. Please allow me a moment to review your concern.
 me:  all this is going up on ktxt.  i don't care what you say.
 special:  stupid Java chat won't allow me to copy & paste. I'm retyping just for you.
all what? define all.
 me:  all = GTV or whatever this thing is called.
 special:  Thank you for waiting, Special K. I'll be glad to assist you with the information about accessing the Disk Menu in the Internet Blu-Ray.
 me:  hey, thanks.
you're such a great pal.
 special:  me: great! how do I do it?
 me:  where can i get a bottle of "thums up?"
 special:  bob's my uncle.
no reply from xxxx yet.
it's tense.
 Sent at 11:48 AM on Monday
 special:  "I'm sorry for the delay"
 me:  you fricken well should be.
this reminds me of a word i learned from a cypriot ...
"in greek, we'd say xxxx is a malakas.  i don't know if you have this word in english ... but roughly translated it would mean 'a real masturbating kind of guy.'"
 special:  wanker
 me:  right, right.
don't step on my punchline.
 special:  "Please give me a moment while I get this information for you."
yikes. sorry.
 me:  remember, i lived in europe.  you think of "foreign" as englewood.
 special:  not any more.
 me:  okay, fresno.
phone here.
 Sent at 11:53 AM on Monday
 special:  "Thank you for waiting, Special K."
 Sent at 11:55 AM on Monday
 special:  he sent me to the wrong page
I gave him the bad news
 Sent at 11:59 AM on Monday
 special:  he's just asked me to press buttons that aren't there.
"Analyst xxxx has left the room"
 Sent at 12:02 PM on Monday
 me:  god.
 special:  "Analyst xxxx has reentered the room"
"Analyst xxxx has left the room"
 me:  i've got a story for you ...
brand new, i don't even know how to tell it yet ...
so i'll try this.
phone rings ...
my other brother joe picks it up.
 special:  "Analyst xxxx has reentered the room"
 me:  "hello, is this joe?"
"hi joe, this is annie haslam."  (lead singer of renaissance.)
they start talking.
joe's asked her to do a painting.
but the one he wanted is sold.
minutes before he bought it online.
 Sent at 12:07 PM on Monday
 "that's okay, can you do one of roy wood?" (original member and foudner of ELO, founder of the british psych-pop band the move, founder of cult band wizzard ... also annie haslam's ex-husband.)
she laughs.  "maybe, but i do abstracts."
they talk.
she says, "i just got an email from roy last night.  i need to tell him about this conversation with you."
lots more.
those are the high points.
 special:  whoa. I know who Roy Wood is! The Move, also.
xxxx is giving me actual instructions now.
 me:  good boy/girl/punjabi.
 Sent at 12:10 PM on Monday
 special:  he's crapping out again.
 me:  ask him where he's from.
this is a truly horrible user experience.
 special:  I am.
 Sent at 12:12 PM on Monday
 special:  Ooh. He might be on to something here.
 me:  maybe he's just on something.
"Now, the Disk menu is set in the Internet Blu-ray. This setting may not work correctly depending on the disc."
 Sent at 12:14 PM on Monday
 me:  like that's YOUR fault.
i hope the people involved in that project didn't get bonuses for releasing it, "on time."
 special:  I'm sure they did.
 me:  The Film Noir Foundation can now be found on both Facebook and Myspace. If you haven't signed up, maybe you should. Maybe you'll meet someone who will betray you and leave you for dead on the internet. At the least, you'll have access to a vast repository of noir posters and photos.
 Sent at 12:18 PM on Monday
 special:  "Are you able to take it from here?"
 me:  s/he sounds like they mean, "are you able to take it up the ass from here?"
 special:  why stop now?
 Sent at 12:21 PM on Monday
 me:  because there are 4 and 20 other Ks in the queue, doofus.
or have you already forgotten your past?
modern society forces us into A.D.D. ...
if you're waiting for half an hour for something, you HAVE to do something else.
 Sent at 12:23 PM on Monday
 me:  and?
 Sent at 12:40 PM on Monday
 me:  and and?
 Sent at 12:43 PM on Monday
 special:  I'm more confused than ever.
which is saying a lot
 me:  certainly is moving the mountain away from mohammed.
 special:  I didn't find out what I wanted and I wasted an hour.
 me:  but aside from that, it was a GREAT experience.
 special:  right
did you see the Scott Pilgrim movie?
 me:  is that the disney 1?
 special:  Universal
 me:  no, never heard of it.
 should i put your GTV experience on ktxt?
 Sent at 12:55 PM on Monday
 special:  let me tell you more first
part of the problem was DVD illiteracy by me
apparently some DVDs don't let you go to the menu while playing
that's all. but even with that, horrible crappy experience.
 Sent at 12:57 PM on Monday
 special:  re:Scott Pilgrim. it's an old-school video game movie. so this is what they did for the Universal Theme. Go to http://goo.gl/hxSXO and click the play button on track 1.
 Sent at 1:01 PM on Monday
 me:  i've died and gone to heaven.
 special:  you like it!
 me:  is this what you were trying to watch?
 special:  no. I don't remember what made me think of it. I love that opening. There's a visual part too, but Universal has pulled it down everywhere I looked.
do you bittorrent?
 Sent at 1:06 PM on Monday
 special:  (I saw the movie in theater)
 me:  did you see the original TRON in a theater?
 special:  I have never seen the original TRON.
 me:  your true geekness is in question then.
it's the dividing line.
you still haven't answered my question ...
can i put your GTV experience on ktxt.
if not, i'll just put it on the archipelago.
no 1 (important) will read it there.
i don't want someone to put an armor piercing bullet in a gun and shoot you at point blank range.
i'm not going to be responsible for the fiscal death of a friend ...
 special:  then go ahead. thanks for asking. 
 you know the best part of ktxt? the titles.
 how can I leverage my quirky ability to entertain you and small groups into a living wage?
me:  well i'm sure as hell not paying for it.